- Addicts helping addicts recover - the Narcotics Anonymous way

Author Topic: An Ode To Anger as a precursor to a Courageous Peace (hopefully ). Day one.  (Read 5771 times)

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Offline glascold

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Yes it's time I got angry with myself. Angry about being Jason. The Jason who hesitantly but ultimately refuses to expose my tacit assumptions and unarticulated presuppositions. Angry with the Jason who intellectually highly values critical thinking and hence an unadulterated brain and yet who cowers submissively with fear when his thinking is allowed to develop without the use of psychogenic substances which slowly but surely derail the connections and destroy his neurons that consequently devalue the most meaningful aspect of his existence. An anger that stimulates, motivates and helps put me back in the driving seat to ask the very questions that humiliating yet necessarily displaced my reason to begin with. I am angry about the terribly fearful decisions I made and then slavishly repeated  despite the consistently negative and tragic results. I am angry that I passively accepted and surrendered to them. Ideas are meant to serve man, not the other way round. I am angry about being either deliberately ignorant or insanely stubborn about the evidence that concretely illustrated the self- deception or arrogance of the beliefs underlying the maladjusted behaviors I so predictably performed. I am angry at the immaturity of  both my arrogance and knowledge of self- deception. I am angry at my delusions of superiority and uniqueness.  My thinking, whether it's about the environment, economies or human nature tends towards the pessimistic and detaches me from even the awesomeness and absurdity of that tendency in the first place. So what? My anger is a good thing because it activates, animates and colors the otherwise inhuman and passively obedient observer Jason, the victim, the slave, the dupe, the fraud, the insignificant statistic,the zero. I need the emotional jump- start of anger if I'm to sincerely dig deep into the neurotic bedrock of my fear, my passivity,my contradictions, my identity. I've been sleep- walking through this suicidal installment plan and when I've been aware enough to be angry, I've been directing it wrongly with a useless map and stereotypically failing to apply the brakes, lower the window and ask someone else for better directions or suggestions. So I'm grateful for this emotional state and it's about time I humbly thanked myself for having this capability. And so to my fear I say the time has come (thankfully not too late) for you to be afraid for a change because to start with my anger is directed at you and all your paralyzing colleagues and if it takes rage to help wrestle me free from your grip then so be it because I'd rather be angry than afraid, or worse indifferent, intoxicated with naturally produced emotion than sober with addiction.