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Ex girlfriend

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JustFellInSkiRacersN(A):
At a time when I'm trying to focus on my recovery as well as finding an alternative way to deal with the sometimes excruciating and persistent, chronic pain during a time where I'm still "somewhat" homeless. I *do* have four walls and a ceiling. That's huge for blocking the wind. We heat with propane or kerosene (we are overly cautious when it comes to safety and ventilation.). Sometimes the heaters mess up. I have no vehicle or constant transportation so I have to walk everywhere in the blistering cold and snow. Although I will say that it's a small town in which you can pretty much walk anywhere in thirty minutes and I where plenty of clothes, use plenty of blankets at night, eat pretty well, and wash up as much as possible. I hate being dirty. So yeah, I have to walk to most/all of my appointments. And I have a *lot* of appointments. Doctors for extremely important meds, counselors for several different things, meetings of different types, and so on. It's life. It's hard right now but I'm trying hard.

So, of course, my "gf" and I separated ways back going on three months now. It's a terribly long story. Fact is that we were living together for four and a half years and then became homeless when, per her choice and desires, we moved from florida (where we had stability and I had a good doc) to the northeast with both of us having bad credit. After trying vigorously to find housing, we ended up in the second most populated city in America, living in an "extended stay hotel" which was nothing more than a crack-den and code-violation station. There was a fire (arson) on the floor below us (ninth), the fire fighters as well as code and licensing people came and BAM. They shut that place down permanently, displacing many of us who were living there, monthly.

So when we parted ways, I wasn't able to notify her because my "ride" wouldn't let me come back for her (another long story ALS). I wasn't able to get to a computer and get online (my laptop was stolen in Philly) so I couldn't contact her but when I finally did get to a computer, I hadn't heard from her either...I missed and loved her so much (still do and my plan was never to actually leave her...it's just ALS). I don't know if she was mad at me or still is (my guess is yes, very much so). We were both in a terrible place mentally and me physically as well. So she had nowhere to go, and I had no way of getting a hold of her. So I've tried to contact her via a couple different means...Still nothing...until last night, that is.

One of her good friends in florida had said she could stay with her for a little while but I couldn't. That's where we were trying to get her when we got separated (some details I just can divulge because it would mean breaching her privacy and I just can't do that to her). I've also been avoiding facebook for the most part until lately and I just get on there to read what people have said about me. Last night, her friend from florida messaged me on facebook which is rare because we weren't enemies but weren't exactly friends either. Turns out that my ex made it back to florida to her friend's house, apparently. She has *not* been well either...Once again, I won't divulge details but she's had a rough life and now...she's doing things that I'd never thought she'd be doing. She refuses any real help from anyone and to help herself and anybody very close to her (me). She was not always like this. She has always suffered from mental health issues (much like myself and most people for that matter). When she was fresh out of high school, she moved to fl and started to attend a major astronomy based technological private collage. Our four and a half years together were filled with so many good times. There were bad and very bad as well. Thing is that I'm doing what I can do to take care of my mental and physical health in order to better my life and those select few that i love and who love me (including her) also. Despite waking in pain many mornings in the very cold, I still get up fairly early everyday and keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and do everything I have to do to get by and better my life. Now I hear that not only is she out of touch from me, she won't even get a hold of her friend that put her up for a month or so. She's thinking about filing a missing person's report. Again, I won't get into the other "things" she's doing. WTF? From her perspective, I can see why she would be upset with me, but damn...at least give me a chance to explain what actually happened because it's not what she thinks. I've always been there for her and even came back after telling her I was leaving three and a half years ago. I came back after a week. I'm stunned and upset with the things she's been doing and some of the things she did when we became homeless. I'm trying to get by and I'm literally haunted by her, missing her, having mixed feelings, being upset with her, and just worried to death about her. #^@k!

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