NA-Recovery.org - Addicts helping addicts recover - the Narcotics Anonymous way

Author Topic: Third time....  (Read 3309 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline dnewbrown

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 4
  • I'm New Here
Third time....
« on: March 31, 2016, 12:53:17 AM »
Hello Fellow Addicts,

My name is David and I am I an addict.  Where I am now? Well, as of right now, I have 2 days clean
This is after me relapsing in 2001 after 5 years clean.  The past few days have been filled with anxiety and fear....what I did not feel when I was using (WOW).  I spoke with someone who has over 25years clean, and dug into some scriptures to ease the "hurt."  I just don't want to feel like this again....the tears, the anger, and the "bad" feelings.  But I ask myself, "Why are you feeling bad?"  This should be a GREAT moment....the last time I stopped...I literally lost EVERYTHING....the physical "stuff" and my internal peace.  OF course, the internal peace had left me a while before I lost the; family, home, furniture, autos, and ended up in a facility with the clothes on my back.  For the last few days I have been battling this "empty" feeling, where the world will crash and burn now that I am "tired of being sick and tired" - a penalty (of sorts)  for making the decision to listen to the “inner MAN” is VERY confusing this time.  I still have my family....their love and support; I just felt like "trash" the last time I used....REAL TRASH...the wishing of my death (but too chicken to commit suicide) and feeling like someone will "punish me" for returning is where I am now.
I am taking this one day at a time....I have been to the jails, went through 2 institutions....this U.S. Veteran truly believes that my next step is death, and I don't want to go out that way.  I have helped many families deal with those who have lost their lives in the "drug life" - and I feel even more stupid for staying out there these past 15 years.  I have taken what I will call “self-willed pauses” during that time....for one reason or another.  This is SOLEY for me this time, I am grateful that this time around I did not manage to "X-out” everything...which for me only just caused me to "sink" further into a depressive state, but still feel the urgency to get my life together before it is too late.  The conversation I had today reminded me that I am “going through”…and, “this too shall pass.”  Thank God for the actual rooms….and for outlets like this blog.  Any suggestions or directions to deal with these feelings of anxiety and anger….dealing with these uncomfortable emotions will be received and appreciated (received….appreciated; two words that I don’t feel even encompasses my gratitude). 
Thank you for your time and for allowing me to share here.
D

Offline rider

  • Trusted Servant
  • Full Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 52
  • All rise to the point of Freedom
    • 2-2-90
Re: Third time....
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2016, 07:01:07 AM »
Welcome Back !

Offline dnewbrown

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 4
  • I'm New Here
Re: Third time....
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2016, 12:59:14 PM »
Thank you.

Offline tommyd

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 4
  • I'm New Here, again..
Re: Third time....
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2016, 03:17:10 PM »
We all know these feelings of anxiety, I had 8 years when I got injured about 13 months ago. I know my problem was the distance I put between me and NA and my HP. I detoxed at home and a week and a half later I am still feeling the anxiety. My original sponsor and best friend passed about two years ago. I moved from the East coast to the West coast two months ago. I have no friends here  I haven't used but I haven't gone to that first meeting again yet and I've been to over 1000. David, after reading what you just wrote I am going to go tonight. I don't know why it motivated me but it did and I am.

Offline dnewbrown

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 4
  • I'm New Here
Re: Third time....
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2016, 07:49:57 PM »
I hope you made a meeting and got a lot from it.  I have been staying in contact with those who are doing the same thing I am doing....one day at a time. 
Really dealing with some drama from my youngest daughter at this time.  She is an adult....young adult (21) and decided to start tripping this year - go figure!  All her life she has been a good one....but I guess we all have to go through our "ups and downs".  So she is in God's hands....just as I have been - in and out of my active using days.  Hearing others stories have really helped a lot.  It is a real good thing to fellowship with those who have been there...and worse.