Hello Fellow Addicts,
My name is David and I am I an addict. Where I am now? Well, as of right now, I have 2 days clean
This is after me relapsing in 2001 after 5 years clean. The past few days have been filled with anxiety and fear....what I did not feel when I was using (WOW). I spoke with someone who has over 25years clean, and dug into some scriptures to ease the "hurt." I just don't want to feel like this again....the tears, the anger, and the "bad" feelings. But I ask myself, "Why are you feeling bad?" This should be a GREAT moment....the last time I stopped...I literally lost EVERYTHING....the physical "stuff" and my internal peace. OF course, the internal peace had left me a while before I lost the; family, home, furniture, autos, and ended up in a facility with the clothes on my back. For the last few days I have been battling this "empty" feeling, where the world will crash and burn now that I am "tired of being sick and tired" - a penalty (of sorts) for making the decision to listen to the “inner MAN” is VERY confusing this time. I still have my family....their love and support; I just felt like "trash" the last time I used....REAL TRASH...the wishing of my death (but too chicken to commit suicide) and feeling like someone will "punish me" for returning is where I am now.
I am taking this one day at a time....I have been to the jails, went through 2 institutions....this U.S. Veteran truly believes that my next step is death, and I don't want to go out that way. I have helped many families deal with those who have lost their lives in the "drug life" - and I feel even more stupid for staying out there these past 15 years. I have taken what I will call “self-willed pauses” during that time....for one reason or another. This is SOLEY for me this time, I am grateful that this time around I did not manage to "X-out” everything...which for me only just caused me to "sink" further into a depressive state, but still feel the urgency to get my life together before it is too late. The conversation I had today reminded me that I am “going through”…and, “this too shall pass.” Thank God for the actual rooms….and for outlets like this blog. Any suggestions or directions to deal with these feelings of anxiety and anger….dealing with these uncomfortable emotions will be received and appreciated (received….appreciated; two words that I don’t feel even encompasses my gratitude).
Thank you for your time and for allowing me to share here.
D
