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Author Topic: Sick of Recovery - how do I get the bounce back in my step?  (Read 2184 times)

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Offline jstew318

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Sick of Recovery - how do I get the bounce back in my step?
« on: January 24, 2017, 12:18:44 PM »
Here's the skinny...


I'm 37 years old, active in addiction for 23 years. Numerous attempts at getting clean, but never working a program throughout the years. I've always been a successful, likable person. Not much family to speak of, but had a great network of friends back home. Never really alone, always had something to do, someone to hangout with or go places with. Came to a new state 14 months ago to try rehab again for the 7th time. Decided to stay and work a program here. Ended up going through 30 days then onto 60 days of sober living. Got a sponsor, working steps, meetings almost everyday. I even started a meeting here in town that has been flourishing. I landed a supreme, cozy job at a software company, had a decent amount of people in recovery to hang out with. Began studying Buddhism more, mediation and yoga, principals and such. So here I am, almost 18 months clean and totally miserable. To date, I've not talked to my sponsor in about 2 months, he's not reached out to me either. Stopped on the first part of step 3, meeting attendance has dropped to once a week, the meeting I started. No longer want to be the GSR or do h&I, speak or anything. I fell utterly alone. Seems that the recovery community tends to only stay connected with you if you're regularly attending meetings. I've kept 2 close friends in the program since I've been lacking with my attendance. One person has reached out to ask how I've been over the past few months. I'm having a difficult time placing principals before personalities. I'm sad because my friendships that I made here in the rooms aren't strong enough to hold fast unless I'm active in the meeting scene. I was once a pretty popular folk in the rooms here in town. Began really hanging out, but now I stay pretty much alone. It sucks that I have to put all the effort into these friendships and I don't get the same effort in return. I'm starting to judge people, taking a mad inventory of them, accusing them in my mind for using NA as a crutch to not be responsible for their behaviors. Feeling like I have to do this by myself or maybe not at all and just go back out to fill the emptiness again. I had such a loving community, regardless if using was involved. those people back home were genuine friends. No strings attached.  One addict helping another, feeling at home in meetings, all of it is the total opposite of what I'm experiencing now. I want to call out the liars in the meetings that embellish/lie about their drug use, then turn around and share something or post something on social media that is totally ludicrous, because I know they are lying. I'm angry all the time, I'm empty, I no longer want anything to do with this but deep down I know how dangerous that could be. not sure if I should go back home, get my old job back, I don't know. Reality is real to me now. I'm one day not going to be here and that scares me. I'm in a new state and I feel alone in recovery. I feel I can't be honest with my current sponsor, that I can't share my deepest secrets with him. I'm not comfortable and our relationship has taken a hit after another situation he and I went through, but that is a different, non-relevant story. Suggestions welcomed. Thanks!

Offline Eggbeater

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Re: Sick of Recovery - how do I get the bounce back in my step?
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2017, 02:15:49 PM »
I can relate to going through slumps in recovery and not really wanting to be here sometimes.  But the truth is that I don’t do very well on my own.  I need these assholes that I’ve been judging.  When I pull away and I isolate I don’t listen to anyone’s head but my own and that is dangerous for me.  I’ve proven it several times and being a good addict I have taken it to the edge and almost lost my clean time.  Sometimes my disease tells me I different and no one understands me even in NA and then I isolate.  Sometimes I just flat out hate people and I don’t like the way they do things in NA.  But the truth is I have to save my ass and none of my feelings matter if I am dead.  And if I sit in my misery long enough I start to wish I was dead and I act like I am using without any dope in my system.  I have been through this cycle a lot and the way I pull out of it is to seek out a newcomer who needs some support.  Sounds funny but this has yanked me out of myself for long enough to get my priorities straight and appreciate what I have and get my gratitude back.  Helping somebody else has saved my ass more times than I can count even when I feel like I have nothing to offer.  Good luck to youl
Hugs!
Lillie

Offline jstew318

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Re: Sick of Recovery - how do I get the bounce back in my step?
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2017, 09:32:29 AM »
Thank you for your reply. I met with someone I respect in the rooms the other night for coffee and he's really helped me realize a few things. Not saying that I'm all on board with my meeting attendance, but at least I'm acknowledging my issues. I do like being alone and then I don't. So many feelings run from one spectrum to the other quickly anymore.

Offline p1ece0fm1nd

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Re: Sick of Recovery - how do I get the bounce back in my step?
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2017, 03:12:19 PM »
I too sometimes feel that i'm not where I need to be.Almost had 18 months then fell into a comfort zone,stopped talking not only to my sponsor and tried to keep everything in ,instead of opening my mouth and sharing how I am really doing. Now I talk to my sponsor at least 5-6 times a week,sometimes not even about recovery. I found having a home group is very helpful,seeing these people every Wednesday is the highlight of my week. I go to at least 6 meetings a week but with Hurricane Irma coming right at us,I'm saving my gas for emergencies since my wife is a dialasys patient and her unit might be closed. Getting out of my self and helping others is a great way for me to get out of my head. My wife and I live in a 55+ community and have been checking on our older neighbors,makes me feel so good to give back and expect nothing in return. I don't know of any easy way to get back your bounce for recovery,that I know comes from the inside. Don't know if this helps or not, but wer'e all with you and are all members of the no matter what club.Peace be with you

p1ece0fm1nd