Yeah I go to meetings a few times a year, I always feel really out of place at them and I've tried several different groups. My doctor wants me to do some kind of therapy monthly even if it's just posting my thoughts on a website. I'd rather see a psychiatrist or therapist but I can't afford that. I'm happy you found a balance that works for you. I'm still getting my IRC client worked out and then I'll be joining the chats in the next couple of days.
That grayness you speak of, when food loses all taste, the world loses its luster, your hobbies don't excite you, even the people you love don't give you that feeling they used to. I know that feeling all too well but I only feel it when I go off the medicine I become numb and everything I found meaningful before loses all meaning. I simply exist.
I know its cliche so I hope you'll indulge me anyway, I don't get high I just try to feel normal.
I'm on a neverending quest to feel normal. I don't need to be permanently happy but I need to feel, well, feel anything besides that grayness.
What bothers me more than anything is that when I'm not on my medicine people can't depend on me, I become what is essentially a leech that needs to be taken care of and I lose all value as a human being.
I have an amazing fiancee who has maybe smoked pot twice, she's only ever known me on my medication. She fell in love with the guy on medicine and isn't a fan of the guy who isn't taking it, franky I'm not either.
The problem is the medicine is an absolute ball and chain. What if my doctor starts charging 1000 a month? What if he retires or just quits after getting sick of dealing with sketchy addicts and federal nonsense? What if something apocalyptic happens?

, seems silly but I'd be totally useless to everyone around me.
Its just a rock and a hard place and I've decided to try and find a new balance.
I've tried pure abstinence, it's not an option in the short term until I can deal with the depression and anxiety that the buprenorphine masks.
Thank you Lillie, I appreciate the support.
- Joe