New member frustrated venting.

[Atm142]

My fiancee recently lost her job for doing the right thing and it's unbelievable how powerless you can feel and how easy it is for some guy you've never even met to suddenly throw your entire life into confusion and take food off of your table.


A shoplifter darted from her store and a customer trying to be a good Samaritan went after him. There's a strict no leaving the store policy (apparently) because my fiancee took two steps out the front door while on the phone with 911 to check on the customer.


She wanted the customer to come back in and not risk her safety over a pair of shoes and those two steps is all it took to get an employee of six years with zero write-ups who's never been fired before terminated.


All she was doing was making sure the customer was safe and it cost her, her job. Doing the right thing and being gainfully employed should not be mutually exclusive.


She's a saint and my rock and it is terrible there is so little I can do for her.

[Atm142]

Still trying to get a decent job that can keep us afloat. Thankfully we had been saving up money to take our daughter to the zoo on our first ever vacation in a decade. Now that money's keeping us afloat.


We have had a couple of interviews but I recently helped my mom move and badly irritated my hernia. If I pick my daughter up wrong it feels like my liver explodes. It does seem to have gotten better in the last few days so maybe I can tough it out a bit longer.

[Atm142]

Brother had MRSA. That was crazy, he had a huge chunk of his bicep cut off and had to pack it with gauze. He seems to be doing better though.


Excited for the new basketball season.


Going back to school soon but I realize I don't even have the money for books. It seems like success in this life is like a rollercoaster ride but outfront every sign reads "must be this wealthy to ride."


Trying to be less negative but it's hard when you see your family, neighbors - everyone you've ever cared about being ground to dust by the same broken system. Then you realize it's going to be your fate too. Then for an extra dose of existential dread realize it's probably the same fate for your child too.


That's when I feel the urge to numb my feelings. So I can just have one good day before going back to the regularly scheduled program of crap. Still haven't though, coming up on eleven years in January.


Just exhausted.

[Atm142]

Another month. It's the small things. A smile, a hug, a call. Every little bit makes things a bit easier.

[Atm142]

Trying to stop feeling guilty for everything. It's hard. Having trouble breathing when I'm laying down. Cut back on smoking will hopefully quit soon but honestly it's been how I manage my anxiety about feeling guilty for so long it's going to be rough.


For instance I don't drive because if I hurt someone while driving I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. On the flip side I feel guilty for having to ask people for rides. It's kind of created this endless cycle I'm trying to break.

[Atm142]

Doing some writing, when I'm motivated it's a hobby that keeps me moving. While writing though I reminisced about my earliest memories.


First was getting a spanking, big deal lots of kids got that.


Second memory was my dad beating my sixteen year old brother into a bloody pulp while my mom looked on and cried. I just remember his nose looking like mush and his eyes shut while blood streamed down his face. Then my dad rammed his head into the refrigerator so hard all of the magnets flew off. I wouldn't see my brother for another six years.


Third I was playing in my yard when a sweaty bloody neighbor jumped from the bushes. Pretending to be playing a game with me he wrapped his arms around my neck and used me as a shield as sirens blared from everywhere in the neighborhood. He dragged me through the yard looking down every street. After about five minutes that felt like an hour the cops didn't show. He patted me on the head for being a good hostage and disappeared. I never saw him again.


Strange.

[Atm142]

And then tonight that same brother attempted suicide after an argument with my mother. My mother is very sweet most of the time but is also incredibly negative, pessimistic and judgmental. I think she suffers from depression and severe anxiety. Having watched my oldest brother be beaten so many times she feels guilty for not doing more to protect him so will often stick her neck out for him.


Then after sticking her neck out if she feels slighted in the least she'll lash out pretty extraordinarily. Though never physically like dad, just verbal. Then she'll make her rounds to family members and try to gain sympathy by telling everyone what a piece of crap you are. Almost everyone has wisened up to her game by now but it was very difficult as a child. You always felt alone like everyone hated you.


One time she found out I was smoking weed so she decided to organize her version of an "intervention." She ambushed me with my other family members, my oldest brother beat the crap out of me while I laid motionless and everyone watched. Then afterward one by one they all told me what a piece of shit I was for smoking pot.


Every. Single. One. Of them including my mother had smoked weed when they were younger. Needless to say it didn't take me long to graduate to the harder stuff after that.


I love my mom but she needs to be alone for awhile, that relationship has obviously gone toxic.


I bring that up and the story about being a hostage before because I've just always felt like a hostage. Drugs were a way to finally feel free even if it was only temporary. Soon though the drugs themselves began to hold me hostage.


I just want to live a life where I don't feel trapped and I don't hurt people. It's nearly impossible these days. You can't buy a t shirt that wasn't made in a sweatshop, a tomato that wasn't grown with damaging pesticides, a  job that isn't predatory or a medicine that isn't funding a gouging economy.


Life has become so complicated it weighs you down. It tries to crush you and you're utterly powerless to fight back because society has placed so many responsibilities on your shoulders and anyone who deviates from the social pressure to conform is labelled a problem.


I guess I'll always be a problem and that makes for a very hard life. I'm damned either way.

[Atm142]

I hurt my knee pretty bad a few weeks ago not sure what happened. I'd been jogging for a couple months by then and if I had to guess I'd say that had something to do with it. I guess that's what I get for trying to exercise and be healthy and all that junk.


Starting a neighborhood watch program too after someone tried to burglarize me. Really getting to know my neighbors which is nice. It's not the best neighborhood by a long shot but they are all salt of the earth people just trying to get by like everyone else. I'd go jog two or three times a day and at the same time patrol the neighborhood so my jogs were usually in the really late hours.


What was cool though was one of the neighbors I helped out there noticed I hadn't been out and came by to check on me. When he found out my knee was in bad shape he brought a bunch of easy to cook food over for me and my little girl.


I thought it was really amazing that he not only brought me some food on his income but actually NOTICED I wasn't out there anymore. It was spooky out there at first late by yourself with nothing but a headlamp and a cell phone. You also felt weird because neighbors would poke their head out the windows like, 'Who the hell is that weirdo?'


I always just waved though and if they seemed amenable enough I'd strike up a conversation and let them know who I was and what I was doing. Now I got six other guys helping because they've had stuff stolen or whatever and was sick of it too. It's kind of like taking back our neighborhood and turning it into a community. Pretty rewarding.