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Author Topic: Hot Mess  (Read 818 times)

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Offline SmSilver27

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Hot Mess
« on: September 16, 2017, 03:21:27 AM »
I'm currently writing this while I'm coming down. I'm a hot mess these days. About two weeks ago I snitched myself out to my wife of four years. I was hiding my meth use for a good six months. It's ran it's course, and I'm ready to stop, but my addiction is kicking my ass. On Monday morning I have an outpatient intake evaluation, and I'm going to surrender and go all in. I have the fight, but I have nothing to defend myself against this addiction.

During yesterday's meeting, the topic was truth and honesty. Very appropriate considering I've been trying to bullshit myself for the past two weeks. But the truth is I can't kid myself. I love using, I do. I'm that insane. The crazy part is that I really do want to stop, but every time I look outside in my driveway, there's my addiction. He's on steroids, doing push ups, just waiting to kick the shit out of me every time I step out the door. And dammed if I don't have a weapon to use against him. Not a bat, a knife, or even a gun to shoot his ass down. All I have is my sucked in, 5'7, 175lbs frame trying to throw hay makers. He's even made the dope house convenient. On my way to, and from work. What a dickhead.

I thought I had killed the beast within 11 years ago, but I only wounded him. I used from the ages of 16 to 26 before I bottomed out and got help. I was clean for 10 and a half years before I got hurt. Life was great. I met my soon to be ex-wife, and carved out a decent life with her. I hadn't thought about using at that point in well over 8 years. I'm an out of sight, out of mind user. And I wasn't planning on it either. That's when May 6th, 2016 happened. I was training for a marathon at the time, but this was the day after Cinco De Mayo, and I had no business running that day. But being a knuckle head, I went anyway. I fell, and tore up my hip pretty good. My running days came to an end that day, and soon after came surgery and a prescription to oxy. Truth be told, I let my guard down. I didn't see my addiction standing behind the bushes. I hadn't seen him in over a decade, I didn't recognize him. He jumped out, and sucker punched me in the jaw. He was even kind enough to accompany me to the doctors, and made sure I left with oxy. lol..

I was hooked instantly. I was out of work for 16 weeks, and most of that time was spent taking oxy, and chasing it with tequila. But eventually the doc cut me off, and I was left with my blood itching. Fortunately I was working for a guy who sold both oxy and blow. I was having him deduct his cash from my tips for the pills and blow. Things were better, until that well ran dry. The only thing I could find was heroin or meth. I relapsed, and I've been using since. I feel horrible for hiding this from my best friend. I was quite the responsible tweaker though. My bills never lapsed, and I never spent what I didn't have. I kept it to just the using, but It's still pretty bad. We're separating shortly, and who knows if divorce will happen. All I know is that i'm ready to stop the insanity. I want to be myself again. Even if that means without my wife and kids

Offline prayntrustGod

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Re: Hot Mess
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2017, 07:09:23 AM »
 :I can relate to some what you said, especially about coming clean bout your additcion with your wife! It hit home

Offline Caring52

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Re: Hot Mess
« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2017, 09:58:35 AM »
Thanks for you honest post.  I can relate to what you say about loving to use.  I deal with that almost every day.  I love using, too. 
You did say in your post that you were clean for 10 years and that life was great, so you have that to look forward to-You had a great life when you were clean, and you will have a great life again when you are clean! 
I hope you and your wife are able to work things out, but you will be great either way.
Please post again and let us know how you are doing.