- Addicts helping addicts recover - the Narcotics Anonymous way

Author Topic: Sara/RandomKiwi's Story 7.11.09  (Read 2823 times)

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Offline Rae

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Sara/RandomKiwi's Story 7.11.09
« on: July 12, 2009, 02:29:27 AM »

ok, Ive shared my story a couple of times online, and each time it is a little different, as I focus on different things each time Ive been thinking about this since tabby asked me and Im going to focus on the emotions this time so Ill start with my childhood I guess I dont really remember much of my childhood. I remember we moved  around alot. I was an only child for 6 years but I remember most from 8 years old onwards. we moved to a small community called Glenbrook it was a fishing and farming community, and we lived right next to the beach I was a quiet wee thing. and I was one hell of an isolater when we moved to Glenbrook, I was bullied alot I still remember it now, and I have never really delved too deeply in this memory I hated it. I was a child that spoke my mind.

and people didnt like that I showed emotions, people gave me shit for that I have one very vivid memory of locking myself in the toilet and crying. I didnt go to class I remember at 8 I just wanted to die and I learned that girls could not be trusted gossiping little bitches they were. but they were somehow my friends my friends one week, the next week they weren't I spoke to my mum about being bullied. I could not stand up for myself tho I am a person that has "full lips" not quite as big as angelina jolie, but enough to get teased for them. I got the nick name helicopter lips, and juju lips it was awful. even thinking about it now I hate it but anyway, kids were mean, and I couldnt escape from them

I learned that emotions were not a good thing to show, so I started to believe that it was bad to feel also so I shut them down there were good things about living there. the fishing, and the beach. it was great me and dad could sit in the boat for hours fishing I have some really fond memories of that and I also have some memories of dad drinking he wasnt an alcoholic, even tho mum said he was. I would just say he was a pisshead. he liked his beer he would leave cans of beer lying around with a couple of mouthfulls in it I thought it was funny to drink them  it was my first taste I guess probably signs of things to come

I dont know when I got into the habit, but I remember being a compulsive liar  to my friends, and family I just couldnt help myself I knew how to get my brother in trouble, I knew how to bend my father around my pinkie. mum was never fooled tho. I look at it now, knowing because she was an addict too "you can't con a con artist" lol and I liked to steal money from mums purse I cant remember when it started or why, but I remember it was such a thrill, getting away with it

when I was about 16 we moved to a place called Nelson, where my parents owned a takeaway store. of course I worked there, and the money I stole went from being coins, to notes there was so much money in the till wow I still remember it felt I did home schooling from the beginning of high school, for two years, and it was probably a point where I should have been going to school, because I never learned the social skills but the stealing started out just for the thrill, and became something to do so I could buy myself things I would play space invaders, buy books, and I remember when those personal digital diaries came out over here, I bought one of them too when I bought it tho, I decided they weren't worth the fuss. lol

when we left that area, my parents finally put me in highschool in my Hometown, Napier and again with the bullying, and the backstabbing friends. I would say thats when my depression set in I didnt care for school at all. I had done well while doing the homeschooling. my grades were great. but in highschool, they dropped again, so once again, people thought I was stupid I was so shut off from myself and the rest of the world at that point. people who truly were my friends couldnt get to me at all and when people cared, it scared me

I developed this habit of pushing away the people who I should have let in, and letting in the people I should have stayed the fuck away from. but this one girl had a father who was an addict and when I hung out at her house, he used to let us drink his wine. man it was great. I loved being drunk, and out of it and everything was blurry I had a big party for my 17th birthday. the friends who turned up were pretty cool. I recently was talking to one of them on facebook, she reminded me about it. lol I was playing meatloaf and was really giddy. lol

I learned that people would let me down. I always got my hopes up and was always let down and hurt tho. those were the people I should have stayed away from but the people who turned up genuinely cared we have this thing over here called school certificate, and I barely passed. and I remember my teachers telling my parents "she did really well at the beginning, but now she just does not apply herself" so I convinced myself I was a failure

but that was ok. because my friend with the addict father, Serena, we were going out clubbing my tastes changed from wine. for my 17th bday my cousin had bought me a bottle of sambuka...not sure if you guys have that over there, but I loved it. I would have shots with Serena. and we would drink beer her father would take us out the legal age then was 21 I think. but guardians were allowed to supply so he just acted as my guardian as well

I was not a huggy person, but when I had beer in me, I hugged everyone. I came home drunk one night. I had learnt to take my shoes off at the door and sneak in. mum caught me one night. and in the middle of telling me off, I hugged her saying "I love you" lol now I also remember there was also this checky side to me, from a young age, and every now and then it showed thru. I look now and know that I got it from dad and when I was 12, my mum told me that I had a half brother. we were quite close. David was the only one I really spoke to about everything. oh, and my dog, Jess David loved the alcohol too, and understood my fascination with it

I couldnt fight my own battels at school tho. I liked to hide out in the libary I liked to bury myself in books. and from a young age I had developed my talent and passion for writing. I still have every poem Ive ever written. they went from being about my dog and the ocean and roses, to doom and gloom I read those poems sometimes to remind myself of how awful my life was I was still a compulsive liar and stole alot only the stealing involved shoplifting, stealing from my grandmother the shoplifting only started out with small things, but again with the thrill of getting away with it
when I left home, I made so many mistakes I didnt know how to live in the big wide world I studied photography. but when I was 19, the drinking age was lowered down to 18 man I loved that I could legally drink!

so I went out with the new friends I had made (yet another town) Im pretty sure they were all addicts too nights spent drinking, days spent in class hungover I got the first part of that course done ok. got my certificate in photography. but I didnt get the diploma. I lost interest in that point I got involved with a guy, it wasnt really a relationship. it was a "no stings attached" deal. we were just in it for the sex. but I got attached. and we spent the next couple of years playing mind games with eachother

I got alot of debts. I had an overdraft, a credit card, and Hire purchase on an expensive cell phone I couldnt pay for any of these on the little money I was getting as a student. alcohol was always my first priority. rent went unpaid power I didnt eat much either when Mike broke my heart, I left town. over the next few years I couldnt really stay anywhere for long the geographical deal. you all know that deal Im sure

I would leave behind great debts with people and I would run in the middleof the night I got into fraud in those years collecting money on behalf of charities mostly it supported my habit I even got  a friend involved once getting her to collect also she suspected that it was for me but didnt know for sure.

I was about 21 when I got into pot. I tried to stop drinking at that point. and switched to pot. I loved it, how it made me so relaxed. everything was so far away it took the edge off my misery I went without alcohol for 6 months before I gave up that idea everywhere I went, I was pissin people off, lying to people, and rippin someone off somehow everywhere I went, I took myself thats who I was really trying to escape from I hated myself and everyone hated me

I started farming and thought I had found my perfect job we were isolated, and all the farmboys were addicts the perfect place for an addict I would drive 40 minutes into town just to score, or buy beer I couldnt deal with people there either. only I couldnt tell mum everything, so I went to the boss about everythign it was that hole "so and so is picking on me" and one of the managers did have a problem with me. he made my life a misery he was such an asshole and I didnt help. I always reacted man, I can feel that hatred right now when I think of him things finally got out of control there

I was hooked on party pills as well as alcohol and pot party pills here are a legalised version of very illegal drugs. stimulants I wont name them, but I think you get the idea and I found that my tolerance built up. I needed to take more and more to get a hit it was the end of feb when my boss told me "I expectyour resignation in the morning"

march the 10th I went into rehab I spent 10 weeks in rehab, it was not easy. I found it very challenging I lied my way thru rehab. and when I left, I had nothing I had sold most of my belongings for money, and a guy from NA had a spare room, so I moved in there The only person in the Napier fellowship who showed me such faith, even tho I was still behaving badly I still had trouble paying my bills

I relasped in my first week out of rehab. but it was just a one night thing. the worse thing was explaining to my flatmate why I couldnt pay rent 3 days later I used again It was the last time I ever used but recovery was tough for me in the early days I had to learn how to live I also learned about the programme the hardest thing in my whole recovery was gettin honest and learning to accept myself and my emotions

The first year of my recovery was the hardest I stole money from NA and left town, going back farming without a support group, and without NA and surrounded by addicts, I couldnt do it. I made the decision so many times to use but didnt go thru with it I had found online recovery at that time too, and was just made a TS before I left I remember all I did was complain about the people of my fellowship

I rememer kat and lon from then and I remember thinking about the room here when I left I lasted on the farm for 4 months before I went back to Napier, to take responsibility and repay the money I had stolen Bren told me about the new room, and I found my way back I remember bren telling me that people were asking after me Ive had alot of trouble in my recovery, and I havent always acted well Ive had alot of trouble connecting with people. and have re developed my habit of speaking my mind. I didnt always care that it was hurtful only speaking my mind would usually be after bottling things up for a while

I was assualted 18 months ago, the reason I moved here it took me a long time to get over that. a long time I never want to feel that hate again

my grandmother died 4 years ago. on the 15th it hit me hard still feel that pain at first it was guilt it was the whole thought of her knowing what I had done when she died now I know that she knows I am sorry and I know that she is proud of me and most of all I know she loves me she will be whereever she is, with richard and bo, sharing stories no doubt lol another two deaths taht were hard on me I dont handle grief so well

in the last 18 months of being in Wellington, I have not always been at peace I did service for online and f2f I threw myself into the programme I worked hard on my honest issues I worked with my sponsor and I went to university to study things that I was interested in. I am living the life I always wanted to live I have a one bedroom appartment because of the assault. its cheap, and my home. I moved in with no furniture. now It has all the furniture I need while I Have been here, I have developed a sense of who I am.

the mischevious side of me has really developed and I have grown into a young woman finally I have confidence in myself, my talents and my future I have friends finally who I feel at home with I put down  my walls with my swordfighting club, and I feel accepted its hard to explain that feeling, of being accepted for the first time in my life I still struggle alot. but its a hell of a lot easier to get thru then if I was on drugs

my worse day clean is still better than my best day using life didnt change for me until I changed I get the ups and downs these days that is associated with life, rather than with addiction I dont see myself as so different from the rest of the world anymore I am me people tell me I am random. so I am "RandomKiwi"  heh I like being random I like making people laugh and smile I am usually full of jokes and sarcasm and such, but my friends know that I care about them they know that I am a loving person when they need me to not be sarcastic, when they need me to be a friend, I am

I have told my non addict friends that the person I am today is opposite to who I used to be while I have been writing all this, one of them is on my couch, dozing. another one sent me a text saying congrats they know a little about my "former life" and are proud of me they are supportive and most of them have never tried drugs (which just boggles the mind) but most importantly they are my friends wow, Im actually a little emotional here about this overwhelmed with gratitude I think

* RandomKiwi wipes away a tear

Ive just told you all my story, and cant feel grateful I couldnt have got this far with out NA without you guys it wasn't always easy it wasnt always easy to get along with people

* RandomKiwi winks at certain people

but as I've grown, Ive changed the person I am, she was always trapped. now I experience freedom and happiness wow

* RandomKiwi shakes her head in awe 3 years.

wow thank you all for being here for me. thru my best and my worst. and sharing my recovery with me and thank you for letting me share my ESandH with you I love you all so much. Im done

Offline Sara

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Re: Sara/RandomKiwi's Story 7.11.09
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2009, 05:42:50 AM »
wow what a whole lotta typing ! took me about an hour and a half! lol

Offline HopeisFound

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Re: Sara/RandomKiwi's Story 7.11.09
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2009, 12:36:04 PM »
Happy Birthday Love and thank you for sharing yourself with us last night! I wouldn't have missed it for the world!
With Love and Fellowship

Offline Rae

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Re: Sara/RandomKiwi's Story 7.11.09
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2009, 01:40:08 PM »
Thank you for sharing Sara :)


Offline Kat

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Re: Sara/RandomKiwi's Story 7.11.09
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2009, 04:48:27 PM »
Love you, Sara!  I love how each time we tell our stories, different details come out.  I really related to what you shared this time around.  Thanks!
"FAITH is when you have come to the edge of all the light that you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown... Faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."