- Addicts helping addicts recover - the Narcotics Anonymous way

Our Online Recovery Community => Our Stories => Topic started by: Vic on July 13, 2009, 05:54:45 AM

Title: Vic's Notepad =)
Post by: Vic on July 13, 2009, 05:54:45 AM
I didn't know where to put this.  I learned 3 words today. 

I've been reading Wasted by Marya Hornbacher and I have really been diggin this book.  It has more to do with Eating Disorders, but, I keep stumbling upon words and paragraphs i love, that are worded Just Like I Would, and I  just found 3 words from her.  I don't have time to research, but I've been trying to express this stuff.

alexithymia  - not able to define emotions and stuff...which i've been trying to describe, but it doesn't seem like THEY are desribing it right
masochistic conflict - NOT SEX.  but the articles i find wont let me copy paste and i am sleepy.  I mean, like being afraid of doing something, so doing something worse to feel braver. lol. not sex. =)
hyperverbal - i know i do that. 

So - there's a bunch of feelings, I call "intollerables" simply cuz i have no words, but it makes me want to do something distructive, but i can't identify a one of them, but the urge to make me use or cut or run to the hopsital.  i'm getting better iwth this crap.  why, i come in and say "my body is doing this, what does that mean?"

At the same time, I don't want to talk, but i can't stop talking, even if it is just noise, sounds, but then i feel sooo selfish and self-centered, because only self-centered peope talk non-stop, but maybe, even when i don't want to talk and i am or i can't stop, maybe it isn't my fault, like a sign that i am secretly horribly bad and maybe it is something that i just do.  maybe that explains alot.

and... if i get scared of something, i always make me do it worse. lol.  like, i'm making this up, cuz it is easy example.  If i am scared of going to the doctor to get a shot, i will stab myself 10 times just to show i can do it.  But i do it using too.  idk i try not to do it now.

anyway, just me note

Title: Re: Vic's Notepad =)
Post by: HopeisFound on July 13, 2009, 09:59:55 AM
Hello Vic, i could relate to alot of what you said. I don't know how much clean time you have but I think talking about how we are feeling is a very good thing. The first time i was in recovery i hardly ever shared in a meeting, I held everything inside, this time! especially in the first year you couldn't shut me up. I shared whatever insanity was goin thru my head and it helped me more than I can say to finally begin to understand things in my head and to process them, plus, thru sharing i got a lot of support and ES&H from other recovering addicts as well, as far as feeling self centered, I felt that as well for a time. People would ask me how I was doin and I would hear myself goin on and on telling them, but I was then told that if people didn't wanna know, they wouldn't ask! One day I found myself listening to a new comer that was full and needed to process! I still have to focus to really be able to listen at times but I think this ability to listen has come directly from my ability to share out loud for as long as it took for all of the insane chatter to quiet down. I also had self mutilation issues to work thru as well, sigh, I no longer hurt myself! haven't for a very long time, that compulsion has been lifted as well thru the process of my step work. I hope I am not out of line with this Vic.
With Love! :hugs:
Title: Re: Vic's Notepad =)
Post by: Vic on July 18, 2009, 12:14:45 AM

Nope, not out of line.  I've been hiding.  I started a twitter site to trak my insane moods.  According to everyone, I am doing really well, with moods and stuff, it just feels weird.

Ok... So... Wed Sucked.  Land-lord was upset beause of a mistake, then, i ran out of gas, then i had a meeting whih was ok, then things were insane and i realized i had aidently been up over 36 hours and had over 8 cans of soda, my cafeeine intake had been horrible, but not just the soda.  I ran to my midnight, to disuss how i've been running a sugar and cafeene high to avoid some issues.  On my way home, beame terrifed for no reason i would hurt myself.  Sponsor was unavailible, Crstal was asleep, tried a few other members and two hotlines.  Got home, and the cops were partroling, looking for illegal 'city-sticker' cars, and I got scareder.  I had my sticker, but too many unpaid tickets, and I'm waiting for my payment plan to be proessed.  Which means I ended up trying to park in a too small spot, where dude, came out to then demand my insurance for taping his car, even though i fit,

so, i ended up, calling my mom, getting 3 large cups of chamomel tea, oatmeal, a hot bath, and soon to sleep. 

I consumed NO caffeine on thursday and felt 100x better.  Today, I had about 180mg, and no anxiety.  I was at a 7-8 on Wed, and I've been hovering at a 3-4, base, and a 6-8 in panic.  The no caffeine is helping.

Y'know... went straight from meds, to mainlining caffeine and sucking on sugar cubes, to hide feelings, to calming, and now wondering what I will try next, lol,

when we know, Honesty, Open-Mindedness and Willingess are all I need.  =}

plus a new keyboard.   oh and get one of my 3 more modern computers working?  lol.

ps. - if I am up 16-18 hours but accomplishing less, then when I sleep 18 hours, but got a lot of shit done, is that improvement?
Title: Re: Vic's Notepad =)
Post by: Rae on July 18, 2009, 10:15:33 PM
I'm actually doing something similar right now, tracking thoughts. Not on Twitter though, haha, I don't think it' something that needs to be public. ;)
Title: Re: Vic's Notepad =)
Post by: Vic on July 19, 2009, 01:32:00 PM
It may be public and IP tracable, lol, but no one knows about it, lol.  =}  It helps - cuz, the damn 250 character thing stops my rambling manifestos.

I learned alot yesteday, but it was weird.  I am comfie and lazy.  =}
Title: Re: Vic's Notepad =)
Post by: Rae on July 19, 2009, 02:19:16 PM
D'oh. I realized as soon as I posted that that it wasn't quite what I meant.

Try again:

I'm proud of you for working on this step, I agree that tracking moods and thoughts as they happen can be really enlightening. I personally am not comfortable enough to put that where other people can read it, even strangers.


I love you. :)