- Addicts helping addicts recover - the Narcotics Anonymous way

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Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Atm142 on October 22, 2019, 12:24:36 AM »
And then tonight that same brother attempted suicide after an argument with my mother. My mother is very sweet most of the time but is also incredibly negative, pessimistic and judgmental. I think she suffers from depression and severe anxiety. Having watched my oldest brother be beaten so many times she feels guilty for not doing more to protect him so will often stick her neck out for him.

Then after sticking her neck out if she feels slighted in the least she'll lash out pretty extraordinarily. Though never physically like dad, just verbal. Then she'll make her rounds to family members and try to gain sympathy by telling everyone what a piece of crap you are. Almost everyone has wisened up to her game by now but it was very difficult as a child. You always felt alone like everyone hated you.

One time she found out I was smoking weed so she decided to organize her version of an "intervention." She ambushed me with my other family members, my oldest brother beat the crap out of me while I laid motionless and everyone watched. Then afterward one by one they all told me what a piece of shit I was for smoking pot.

Every. Single. One. Of them including my mother had smoked weed when they were younger. Needless to say it didn't take me long to graduate to the harder stuff after that.

I love my mom but she needs to be alone for awhile, that relationship has obviously gone toxic.

I bring that up and the story about being a hostage before because I've just always felt like a hostage. Drugs were a way to finally feel free even if it was only temporary. Soon though the drugs themselves began to hold me hostage.

I just want to live a life where I don't feel trapped and I don't hurt people. It's nearly impossible these days. You can't buy a t shirt that wasn't made in a sweatshop, a tomato that wasn't grown with damaging pesticides, a  job that isn't predatory or a medicine that isn't funding a gouging economy.

Life has become so complicated it weighs you down. It tries to crush you and you're utterly powerless to fight back because society has placed so many responsibilities on your shoulders and anyone who deviates from the social pressure to conform is labelled a problem.

I guess I'll always be a problem and that makes for a very hard life. I'm damned either way.
Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Atm142 on October 21, 2019, 08:08:48 PM »
Doing some writing, when I'm motivated it's a hobby that keeps me moving. While writing though I reminisced about my earliest memories.

First was getting a spanking, big deal lots of kids got that.

Second memory was my dad beating my sixteen year old brother into a bloody pulp while my mom looked on and cried. I just remember his nose looking like mush and his eyes shut while blood streamed down his face. Then my dad rammed his head into the refrigerator so hard all of the magnets flew off. I wouldn't see my brother for another six years.

Third I was playing in my yard when a sweaty bloody neighbor jumped from the bushes. Pretending to be playing a game with me he wrapped his arms around my neck and used me as a shield as sirens blared from everywhere in the neighborhood. He dragged me through the yard looking down every street. After about five minutes that felt like an hour the cops didn't show. He patted me on the head for being a good hostage and disappeared. I never saw him again.

Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Atm142 on October 02, 2019, 04:25:27 PM »
Trying to stop feeling guilty for everything. It's hard. Having trouble breathing when I'm laying down. Cut back on smoking will hopefully quit soon but honestly it's been how I manage my anxiety about feeling guilty for so long it's going to be rough.

For instance I don't drive because if I hurt someone while driving I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. On the flip side I feel guilty for having to ask people for rides. It's kind of created this endless cycle I'm trying to break.
Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Atm142 on September 03, 2019, 04:48:34 PM »
Another month. It's the small things. A smile, a hug, a call. Every little bit makes things a bit easier.
Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Atm142 on August 06, 2019, 02:00:12 PM »
Brother had MRSA. That was crazy, he had a huge chunk of his bicep cut off and had to pack it with gauze. He seems to be doing better though.

Excited for the new basketball season.

Going back to school soon but I realize I don't even have the money for books. It seems like success in this life is like a rollercoaster ride but outfront every sign reads "must be this wealthy to ride."

Trying to be less negative but it's hard when you see your family, neighbors - everyone you've ever cared about being ground to dust by the same broken system. Then you realize it's going to be your fate too. Then for an extra dose of existential dread realize it's probably the same fate for your child too.

That's when I feel the urge to numb my feelings. So I can just have one good day before going back to the regularly scheduled program of crap. Still haven't though, coming up on eleven years in January.

Just exhausted.

Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Atm142 on July 09, 2019, 03:17:25 PM »
Still trying to get a decent job that can keep us afloat. Thankfully we had been saving up money to take our daughter to the zoo on our first ever vacation in a decade. Now that money's keeping us afloat.

We have had a couple of interviews but I recently helped my mom move and badly irritated my hernia. If I pick my daughter up wrong it feels like my liver explodes. It does seem to have gotten better in the last few days so maybe I can tough it out a bit longer.
Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Atm142 on June 11, 2019, 03:19:17 PM »
My fiancee recently lost her job for doing the right thing and it's unbelievable how powerless you can feel and how easy it is for some guy you've never even met to suddenly throw your entire life into confusion and take food off of your table.

A shoplifter darted from her store and a customer trying to be a good Samaritan went after him. There's a strict no leaving the store policy (apparently) because my fiancee took two steps out the front door while on the phone with 911 to check on the customer.

She wanted the customer to come back in and not risk her safety over a pair of shoes and those two steps is all it took to get an employee of six years with zero write-ups who's never been fired before terminated.

All she was doing was making sure the customer was safe and it cost her, her job. Doing the right thing and being gainfully employed should not be mutually exclusive.

She's a saint and my rock and it is terrible there is so little I can do for her.
Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Atm142 on May 14, 2019, 12:26:46 PM »
Another couple of months clean.  Sometimes when I look back I can hardly believe the person I was compared to the person I am today. Not sure if that's good or bad. I was always so wrapped up in school, jobs and drugs I never really got to enjoy the people I'm closest to. These days since my dad died and I stopped using I make it a point to savor every moment with my family. I don't know what else to say this month really.

Gearing up for some major summer home renovation projects so that's where my mind is mostly. Still having monster headaches but they seem to be coming fewer and further between.

Take care everyone and good luck with your sobriety and I hope you realize you're worth it.
General Discussion / What do you all think of this?
« Last post by sjs94704 on April 07, 2019, 01:25:27 AM »
I am in recovery (975 days clean).  We often say that we have to have fun in recovery, right?

Well, my fun is singing. I have all the recording equipment to make my own music videos and post them online. I sing mostly POP genre music.


There is one song I am recording called 'Angel' made famous  by Sarah McLachlan.  It has special meaning for me because it is all about addiction.

So, if I made a video, it would cut back n' forth from my face to screens of factual information about addiction, but,
at no time would I ever make mention of anything about Narcotics Anonymous or me being a member at all!

Does anyone here on this forum feel that this would be a breach of our traditions as long as I never mention NA or being a part of it?

Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Atm142 on March 18, 2019, 02:20:38 PM »
It's been a rough few weeks but we're plugging along and I made it another month of sobriety. My aunt had cancer and had surgery to remove it but she's been bed ridden ever since and she's also severely autistic, about 6 years old in her head in a 50 year old 200lb woman's body.

My mom and aunt are taking care of the other aunt but my mom has cried to me every day on the phone because she's a small woman and it's hard to lift her to the bathroom and give her shots because she'll physically fight you off. My mom is covered in bruises.

I'm going to go stay with them for awhile to give my mom a break and for whatever reason my disabled aunt likes and respects me so does whatever I ask to prove she can.

I've also given my brother my car for a few weeks so mom doesn't have to drive him to take UA's at 7am or meet his parole officer.

So transportation is difficult and I'm perpetually exhausted also chasing around my 2 year old but it will all be worth it. In service to others is when I feel most fulfilled and I just don't want my mom to spend these years so full of anxiety and pain.

It's strange but I think it's easier managing my own addiction when I'm helping people manage their problems.
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