- Addicts helping addicts recover - the Narcotics Anonymous way

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Ask It Basket / What does the First Step mean to you?
« Last post by deadserious007 on April 22, 2017, 10:24:01 PM »
I am two months into my recovery, and am working on my first step. My sponsor gave me an assignment to ask people what the first step meant to them. So I found this forum and am looking for some addicts to share with me for my sponsor work and for personal guidance and understanding.

Look forward to reading your responses

Thank you all very much  :)
Thanks for sharing, KAT
Chat Room and Website Support / Re: link to new site
« Last post by rider on March 24, 2017, 07:52:11 PM »
welcome, my suggestion is getting to a local NA mtg in your area, Your not alone , hug
Chat Room and Website Support / Re: link to new site
« Last post by trice on March 24, 2017, 09:49:47 AM »
I am Terry
I am new to all of this. I don't really know what I am doing but I do know that I want to go use right now and I am desparetly trying not to. I just started looking for anyplace or anyone that I could vent to. I do not want to live like this anymore. I ran away from this problem and I thought I had conquered this. Not so, drugs are everywhere and I just didn't know where they were at the time. I know that God put me here for a reason, He has saved me time and time again. I go to school full time and work full time. I have a 4.0 gpa that I will destroy if I don't stop this. I believe with there is something out here I am supposed to be doing and drugs are not a part of that.
Thanks for listening
Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Lon on March 24, 2017, 01:55:22 AM »
ATM..hugs. I gotta point out something that isnt too obvious at first..and we all do it. You are trying to fix your broken brain with the same brain that thinks using was/is a great idea.

Step one; "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanagable."

Meetings sponsor, steps with that sponsor.
Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Atm142 on March 16, 2017, 06:14:26 AM »

Like I mentioned I wanted to work on my anger so I've been thinking about it a lot. What triggers it, where it comes from etc..

I think it all stems from a feeling that pervades my life and even ability to function and that emotion is guilt. I live my life in constant fear of hurting people because the guilt associated with it is too much. At the age of 32 I still don't drive because I'm terrified that I could kill someone.

I have a hard time with employment for the same reasons, this is all despite going to honors classes and at one point being fast tracked through school to earn my MD. Now thanks to my fear of guilt I can't even hold down a crappy job at Dillards.

Here's an example at Dillards. I had been working there for 6 months when I read in the news that a sweatshop in Bangladesh burnt down killing 600 people who were locked inside sewing cushion covers. The next day at work I read the "Made in" labels and sure enough 'Bangladesh.'

I realized that I was perpetuating this god awful system of exploitation and suffering. I tried to suck it up for the next few months but I couldn't sleep, as I laid in bed I'd think about those poor people burning alive in their factory so I could sell furniture and pillows at discount prices. On the rare occassion I did sleep I'd have nightmares I was in the factory itself.

I know that by me quitting won't change anything but at least I can sleep at night and know I was no longer directly contributing to anyone elses misery.

You'd think finding a job that didn't exploit people would be that hard but it is. You can't make a living without taking it from someone else.

WIthout medicine those feelings of guilt are ten times worse and absolutely self destructive. I still beat myself up because I was a bully in middle school to a kid. He and I are amicable friends now but that guilt never goes away. I could be zonked out watching a documentary and all of a sudden it hits me right in the face.

I don't know what to do about it honestly, but I can't keep feeling this way. I go out of my way not to hurt other people or exploit them in any way even if it means suffering myself and when other people exploit me it is a major trigger.

Anyway, I think that if I truly want to get a handle on my anger I'll have to handle my guilt first so that is my focus for now.

Guilt is absolutely a healthy emotion and something you should feel when you do something wrong or hurt someone but at a certain point it only serves to be self-destructive and I've got to figure out a way to cut it off.
Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Atm142 on March 16, 2017, 05:05:41 AM »

Hey Lon, thanks for the support.

I got my blue book right beside me. I've got no desire to use but I do desire to lead a normal life and be there for my family. It's been about ten years since I took anything that wasn't prescribed to me. I never really have that urge to use but I do get fed up with the darker thoughts that swirl in my head.

If I could live without the anxiety and depression without medication I'd do it in a heartbeat. If I can lead a normal life thanks to taking one pill a day I'd do that too. I have people who depend on me and I just want to be there for them.

I've been seeing my doctor for over five years and in the past I paid 5 bucks a UA plus 100 for the appointment and 10 bucks for the therapy. I guess the feds are hassling him though and now the UA's are costing 100-600 dollars a piece which is totally unaffordable to me.

So I'm going to talk to him and see if he'll just let me buy the 30 dollar ones from walgreens since I've never had a dirty UA. If he says no then I have a choice to make.

I can try to go completely clean for the 1000th time and hope this time doesn't end in relapse or suicide. I can try to find a more affordable doctor which will be next to impossible or I can risk everything and go back to street drugs.

Obviously the last option is simply not going to happen but I don't know I can't be worthless to my fiancee and month old daughter either.

I don't know what to do, just trying to take it one day at a time I guess but the anxiety about the ridiculous bills and meeting with my doctor is killing me.

I've rattled on long enough. Nice meeting you Lon, thanks for the kind words.

- Joe
Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Atm142 on March 16, 2017, 04:02:26 AM »

Yeah I go to meetings a few times a year, I always feel really out of place at them and I've tried several different groups. My doctor wants me to do some kind of therapy monthly even if it's just posting my thoughts on a website. I'd rather see a psychiatrist or therapist but I can't afford that. I'm happy you found a balance that works for you. I'm still getting my IRC client worked out and then I'll be joining the chats in the next couple of days.

That grayness you speak of, when food loses all taste, the world loses its luster, your hobbies don't excite you, even the people you love don't give you that feeling they used to. I know that feeling all too well but I only feel it when I go off the medicine I become numb and everything I found meaningful before loses all meaning. I simply exist.

I know its cliche so I hope you'll indulge me anyway, I don't get high I just try to feel normal.

I'm on a neverending quest to feel normal. I don't need to be permanently happy but I need to feel, well, feel anything besides that grayness.

What bothers me more than anything is that when I'm not on my medicine people can't depend on me, I become what is essentially a leech that needs to be taken care of and I lose all value as a human being.

I have an amazing fiancee who has maybe smoked pot twice, she's only ever known me on my medication. She fell in love with the guy on medicine and isn't a fan of the guy who isn't taking it, franky I'm not either.

The problem is the medicine is an absolute ball and chain. What if my doctor starts charging 1000 a month? What if he retires or just quits after getting sick of dealing with sketchy addicts and federal nonsense? What if something apocalyptic happens? lol , seems silly but I'd be totally useless to everyone around me.

Its just a rock and a hard place and I've decided to try and find a new balance.

I've tried pure abstinence, it's not an option in the short term until I can deal with the depression and anxiety that the buprenorphine masks.

Thank you Lillie, I appreciate the support.
- Joe
Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Lon on March 16, 2017, 03:13:32 AM »
Welcome ATM..hugs. You are in the right place. I know a little about pain and addiction too. As an addict I know there is a reason for my desire to use (insert whatever drug name here) that goes beyond the physical effects of whatever drug...and simple abstinence...without that drug I dont know how to live...and soon don't want to.  "An addict alone in their own mind lives in a dangerous neighborhood."

NA helps us to find a way of life where we no longer have the need for dope to fill or numb that "empty spot inside" we all feel. Working the steps with a sponsor helps us find freedom...the choice is yours to make.

Hit some local NA meetings..stop into our chatroom.

Narcotics Anonymous' Tradition Three - "The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using."
Our Stories / Re: New member frustrated venting.
« Last post by Eggbeater on March 11, 2017, 11:26:32 PM »
Welcome, Atm142.  I'm Lillie and I'm an addict too.  I'm glad you're here.  I related to your story in that I am very familiar with chronic pain and doctor's offices.  I'm wondering if you have ever tried a Narcotics Anonymous meeting?  If you go the website you can find a local meeting in your area.  I've found lots of support in NA and I think you would find you're not alone.  It's easier to stay clean with the help of other recovering addicts than by yourself. NA helped me learn how to cope with life without any drugs and then I was able to get proper professional support for outside issues like suicidal thoughts.  I didn't really know what was really going on with me until I removed all drugs.  It wasn't easy, it was like waking up from a coma.  The world seemed bright and loud and scary and that is why I needed support from people who had been where I was so that I could relearn how to live clean.  People in NA had my back while i was going through it.

You are welcome to come into the chatroom and get to know us.  We have online meetings at 10pm EST every night.  They are not meant to replace local meetings but they are a nice supplement and you can get a feel for what a meeting is like.

Hugs to you!
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